He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
