Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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