I wish I could teleport
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
