he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
