Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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