How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
is that a dick in a sweater?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
