Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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