Apparently you make a good broom.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
