Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
