I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
