the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
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we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
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I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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