I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
