my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
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i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
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Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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