It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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