Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize