I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
