her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
