sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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