I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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