I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
