and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
