im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I need to calm my uterus...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
