i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
