Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
