you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
