I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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