I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My bed smells like the plague
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
