Redeem this text for a blowjob
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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