Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
