Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
