I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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