I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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