Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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