3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
