as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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