Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
