I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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