Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
