Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
