i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
