I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
