If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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