I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
