I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
