Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
