Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
