it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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