I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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