he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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