At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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