he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I need a burrito and a hug.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
