so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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