you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
