I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
