all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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