My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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