Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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